I try to read as many news “sources” as I can. I say “sources” as opposed to “newspapers” because, let’s face it, “newspaper” is sooo 2009. In an average day, I’ll check CNN.com, the NY Times, the local news from my hometown, the news from the Albany area, and several news sources from where I live now in the North Country. Also, when I say “read,” what I actually mean is “glance at the headlines and the first few sentences that are visible without clicking on the link.”
I have a routine surrounding my news gathering. I wake up in the morning and the first thing I do is stumble to the living room, pick up my laptop, and load up the news. I’ll slowly (very slowly) get ready for work. Once there, the first thing I do is stumble to my office, sit down at my desktop, and load up the news…again. Every day, I anticipate some huge, world changing event to transpire in the two minutes it takes me to get from my apartment to my office. (By the way, don’t ever live where you work. It may be convenient, but it also means you never don’t work.) What’s more, I am disappointed when I load up the news at work and nothing has happened. It’s like a great, big letdown.
As I sit at my desk, I will compulsively reload webpages all day long, once again on the chance that something huge has happened. Up to this point, we can safely find fault in my behavior. That whole “compulsively checking for some horrendous world-wide news that will give me a reason to leap from my desk and say to my co-workers, ‘Hey! Did you guys hear about this?” and then feel important because I told them something they didn’t know” thing that I do?“ I’m not proud it, but it is my burden to shoulder and I accept it. However…
The news is at fault too! And I don’t mean the news agencies. I mean the actual news. It’s boring! Sure, there are lots of terrible things happening to lots of innocent people. I get it. But can we talk about me for a minute, please? It has been several days since a celebrity has had a sex tape or naked photos stolen. Come on, people! I need some low-quality porn! Also, enough about the economy! What about the Justin Bieber paternity test? That kid went through puberty about 20 minutes ago. It’s about time there was a sex-related story about him. Oh! And never forget…about Harry Potter. J.K. Rowling almost killed off a character that she created in books that she wrote! How dare she almost do something?! Those books don’t belong to her…except in every sense of the word “belong.” Those are our books!
I realize there are lots of people who are much funnier than I, with a much larger audience, who are way more informed on all that the news is doing wrong. My point is this: This is what people want from the news. It’s like a bizarre form of user error. Furthermore, I am definitely one of the err’ing users. Give me the choice between a story about government corruption run amok or Paris Hilton’s missing dog and I will walk away knowing way too much about celebrity canines. I mean, let’s face it, the government will eventually work through that whole corruption problem. But Paris Hilton? That woman will be famous forever. Clearly, I have my priorities in order.
January 27, 2012. Uncategorized. No Comments.
Pat and I are at the bar. He threatened to post a blog that discussed my fundemental character flaws. I’ve beaten him to the punch…by punching him in the face and then stealing his phone. How about a comment? Just so we know you’re out there? Please…?
October 15, 2009. Uncategorized. 1 Comment.
So, Pat, Jess, Chris and I all have iPhones. I know…be jealous. Anyway, we’ve set up BlueMilePodcast.com so that we can post from our awesome iPhones and give you comedy from anywhere that has a cell/wifi signal. We rule.
October 3, 2009. Uncategorized. No Comments.
hi…
im trey. i decided to write on this blog cause i have never done it before. in fact i have never written anything before. in fact i cannot read or write. everything you are seeing in this post is random mashing of the keyboard. statistically, it is possible that ramming my face into the keyboard will result in a coherent post. thats funny, i dont know what coherent even means.
i wanted to tell yalls about a health hazard i have experienced. dont eat cat food. as delicious as it may look, your cat is that short for a reason.
i was driving home last night and a cop stopped me. he told me that you need a car to be going that fast.
my boss told me that i was going to get a raise. then he moved me to the second floor. his brand of humor is hurtful and misleading.
i just pooped my pants.
wait…these arent my pants. whew…that was close.
i was watching this porno and then i realized it was ewtn. is that weird?
i’m trey. lata.
December 9, 2008. Uncategorized. No Comments.
What is the Blue Mile Podcast?
We've often wondered the same thing. We're pretty sure that we're a sketch comedy troupe from Upstate New York and New England. We'd tell you more, but your question has sent us into an existential crisis. Thanks a lot.
