For well over a year now, we've tried to figure out the deal with Chris (The deal, of course, being described as everything from "Who invited him in the first place?" to "What, in the name of all that is holy, is wrong with him?!"). Thus far, we've not been able to glean any answers whatsoever. But this is what we do know: His name is Chris. He has a certain preference for certain seventh letters of the alphabet. Furthermore, he is a huge fan of 1980's Air Force movies featuring the modern day Othello, Louis Gosset, Jr.. Beyond that...we've got nothin'. Sorry.
Pat Paulson Having the distinction as being the only guy on our staff who outran a car, Pat has never outrun a car in his life. Pat is the guy who keeps the writing staff together, acting as a focus for Mike (ideas ranging from "The BlueMilePodcast presents 'Hidden Camera Hate Crimes'" to "The BlueMilePodcast presents 'How Flammable is Flammable?'") and a filter for Chris (whose ideas are so abstract and fragmented that words simply don't exist to describe them). Pat is the guy who reminds us where that fine line between comedy and felonies exists while simulatenously blurring the line between humor and good taste. It's a specific skill set, but one without which we'd be writing this on a Department of Corrections computer.
If Pat is the glue that holds the Podcast together, Mike is the solvent slowly dissolving it, causing it to finally pull apart at the most catastrophic of times. Somewhere along the line, he was appointed as the "Head Writer" of the Podcast, mostly because he could blow more lines than an eight-year-old in a Christmas Pageant. Voted most likely to be the persion on our staff to be punched for saying something incredibly inappropriate at the absolute worst time, we try to get as much material as we can out of Mike because, honestly, it's really tough to talk with your jaw wired shut.
Jess Tugas The top dog, the big cheese, the captain and ten eels. These are terms that we have never used to describe Jess, although it goes without saying that we should. Jess is like the podcast mom. She is perpetually telling us to watch our mouths, reminding us where we need to be and when we need to be there, always telling us how funny we are (read, "lying to us") and being the overall person to make the podcast go. Go where? No one knows and, frankly, we're scared to ask. Born in a small town that makes the town from Children of the Corn look like Disney World, Jess really is the life-force of the podcast. And for that...we'll never forgive her.
With a last name like Neubert, (pronounced "New-bert"...emphasis on the "new") we decided that it as high time the Podcast had a second-class citizen. Who better than Christian? I mean, no one likes him. Not even his own mother (Seriously, she told us). We figured we would have Christian do a couple of new bits, and he assured us they would be funny. He lied to us. They were decidedly unfunny. As such, we realized that he fit in perfectly and offered him a job. His job requirements? Be the podcast bitch. So far, he's done a bang-up job!